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Week 3 p!MpSh@cK

Oldskool 2006 – Volume 8 Issue 1

 

 

 


Admitting you have writer’s block is akin to admitting to a longshoreman that you have carpel tunnel syndrome from too much mouse clicking.   As I sit here at 1:26 am, I remember why writing for the site is not always the most fun thing to do.

 

But then again, it seems all the weekly prize articles have gone by the way side – does that mean they can’t collect?; Jay had Chuck assassinated; Rich has organized a work stoppage among his socialist blog friends; and Ted proved that not only can he do anything he tries very well if he applies himself, he has also proven he can truly master the art of applying himself only once, then promptly quitting – I mean take draft day:  who else would memorize how to get home then disregard how to get there?   It was such a great moment in time.  Oscar worthy if you will.  A story so deserving that GM Davis hatched a devious idea for a column that day:  deliver a spin off of “Driving Miss Daisy”.

 

Picture Old South, Southern Belle, Manservant.  Now, add 3 dozen soft pretzels, an upside down map, easy listening blaring from the speakers and a nervous new GM going to his first OldSkool Draft.  

 

But after long debate we agreed to disagree who should play the Jessica Tandy character.   

 

So, what the hell I can I write that hasn’t been written?

 

Tappin’ da Crack Pipe:

 

  • Scoring is down over the first 2 weekends – I read this somewhere and I would normally reference it.  Why not now?  I went to 2 kid’s birthday parties today and I am beat.  Take my word for it.  So, what does that mean?  Among other things, don’t feel too strong if you have done well; nor, too bad if you have struggled.  There is some kind of pain awaiting you.

 

  • You know when your team is bad; but, you can never really tell if they are any good.  I believe that.

 

 

 

 

 

  • I don’t know what is worse Reality programming or Game Show programming.  I do know I’d rather have my asshairs braided into cornrows than watch either.  Something tells me I’d grow as much as a person by doing either.

    

  • Some other things I don’t get?  Our WR Top 5:  Cotchery, Toomer, Coles, Stallworth, Bryant.  All selected to fill WR 3/5 roles.  The scary part is?  How good will the owners with these guys look if they can maintain even 75% of their output?

 

  • G-men with a lot of pent-up hostility from Ted getting lost draft day:  top dog in total points.

 

 

 

  • Has anyone ever posted double digit losses two years running?  Just checking.  I’m on my way to all kinds of new accolades.
  • Dating back to 2001 - Roxbury has yet to lose a week 3 game.
  • Does Peyton score more this year because he misses Edge; or, does he score more because he wants to do better than little brother?
  • This weekend we will have our first major injury of the 2006 season…Ron Burgundy says, “…It’s Science.”
  • At the moment there are nearly 60 RBs rostered…yeah, that’s fun.
  • I wish I HAD 3 QBs on my roster; actually, I wish I had 1.
  • Historically – the last few seasons anyway – the top week 3 scorer has been a WR; 2 times exceeding the 50 point barrier.
  • So, my youngest is learning to potty train and the newspaper on the floor approach isn’t working.  So, he has a little toilet that sits next to the other toilet in the room – the big one if you will. Apparently, an unforeseen advantage to this arrangement is my son’s ability to use said big toilet for a basketball hoop.  I spent much of the energy I had left yesterday plunging away and will now have to auger it.  I can’t call him to the table on it, but I would bet the farm he had something to do with it being clogged; moreover, took some enjoyment out of Dad’s unsuccessful efforts to unclog.

 

 

 

Mixed bag – Story ideas that never got off ground:

 

  • Driving Mr. G Crazy – Two GMs odyssey to draft day.  Starring GM G-Men and GM Y2.
    • Late from a tribute band performance Saturday night
    • Y2 shouting directions from back seat, repeatedly asking to be called Mr. Daisy.
    • Drops jelly on the roadmap
    • Asks prostitute for directions; arrested for solicitation.  Explains to arresting officer that he sits in the backseat all the time while being driven around.
    • Can’t post bail; goes to work for a local baker that posts bail for him.  Local baker has 2 stipulations:  One,he helps bake 12 dozen pretzels every Saturday morning.  Two, he serve as the bakery’s Elvis character that sits on a roadside waving to people and encouraging them to visit the wayward bakery.
    • Bakery owner runs an underground meth lab and recruits GM Y2 as the fallguy for the whole operation – knowing he is the central figure in an ongoing DEA probe.
    • Ted’s car and home are bugged and DEA officials are bewildered by his behavior.  The singing in the shower.  His obsessive behavior on football Sundays.  Many going so far as to ask, what is a pimpSTYLEE anyway?
    • Sting scheduled for ‘Doubleheader’ weekend in Old Skool; DEA officials reason this is code for a large shipment.

 

 

    • I’ve never seen the movie and ask Slum to explain why envisions his  fanbase – the Slum Nation – as being part of some bigger mythological force.
    • Why everyone hates Slum
    • Why Slum wears the footwear he does
    • We take our players to the local all you can eat Chinese buffet.
    • Vick thinks we are going to a massage parlor and shows up in a bathrobe; elderly waitress escorts Vick to a discrete art of the kitchen where they normally chop watercress, garlic and scallions.
    • Culpepper fumbles the ladle being used for Won Ton soup and in the process looses his secret decoder ring given to him by Randy Moss.  Culpepper needs to borrow TJ Houshmanzadeh’s cell phone to call Randy; Randy doesn’t answer cuz after looking at his caller id he has no idea what a Houshman is.  Culpepper panics, rips off Vick’s bathrobe and stuffs it in the vat of soup – to help absorb it – only to find his ring had been liquefied. Vick arrested for public indecency and uses his alias Ron Mexico while being booked.

 

  • From pain to drain – the turds that were 2005
    • Up close interviews with the toilet bowl GMs and what it meant to them to suck so badly.

 

 

Quiz Time:

 

Pick the 2 QBs that do not belong:

 

D. McNabb

C. Pennington

P. Manning

R. Grossman

 

Pick 2 legit 1st Rounders:

 

L. Jordan

C. Williams

S. Alexander

F. Gore

 

Top TEs…where are they now?

 

A Gates

J. Shockey

J. Witten

R. McMichael

 

 

What 2 QBs below have never taken their team to the playoffs?

 

What 2 have never thrown for more than 20 TDs?

What 2 have thrown for 30 TDs in a season?

What do all the QBs below have in common?

What 3 have been sacked 30 or more times in a season?

What 3 have the same mommy?

Who IS Ron Mexico?

 

C. Palmer

P. Manning

E. Manning

D. Carr

D. Bledsoe

M. Vick

A. Smith

 

 

 

 

Some other unfinished thoughts:

 

 

During the course of a lifetime there has been much that I have done that I am ashamed to admit openly.  I’ve given old ladies one finger salutes; masterminded a money laundering scheme; acted as a part-time shylock; I have been locked up more than a few times - made bail once; stolen from the handicapped and old; stolen from the normal and stupid as well; taken dumps in garbage cans, parking lots, women’s bathrooms, pickle jars and even wrapped a turd in a candybar wrapper once; I have farted in full elevators; blacked out at significant life events; feigned illness – mental mostly, but physical too, death, sobriety, and sales pitches as needed; I can give you  concern, empathy, love on cue; I’ve drafted some real flops and made trades with people knowing who got the better end of it; I’ve been reprimanded for writing a corporate email with syphilitic bow legged giraffes in it.  I have done all those things.  So, it takes a lot to imbue shame in this depraved individual.  So, what act of human will has brought me to this new low point?  As of Friday, September 22 at 8:02 pm I learned that I have managed to miss out on an opportunity to do what no other owner ever has…own the entire Houston Texan RB corps. 

 

I got a call from my boy Morency on Thursday:

 

Morency:          Yo, p!Mp.  Check it…looks like VMo is gonna get some...PeeeeeTeeeee!

 

P!Mp:              Yo, man.  I’ve heard this sh!t before.  “PeeeeTeeee --- Phone Home?”

 

Morency:          That is some cold sh!t. 

 

P!MP:              In fact, you called two weeks ago with, “Yo, man ain’t no way a boy named Wali and a fattie like Dayne is gonna beat me out for some PT.”  Next call I got?  Was collect, from Green Bay!

 

Morency:          You’re an evil man.

 

 

P!Mp:              Sho Nuff!  Man, why you calling!? 

 

 

GOTW Article – Cuz no one else bothered:

 

 

Week 3 Mayhem (-12.0) at Philly Storm
Roxbury Allstars at The G Men (-63.5)
Slumlords (-30.5) at Y2T3
P-town PimpSTYLEES at Wrecking Crew (-13.5)
Jersey Rich Boys (-43.0) at The Smitherines
Wake 2000 at CC Taggers (-1.0)

 

 

Based on the spreads and my personal opinion, I agree that the Wake v Tagger tilt should be most interesting.  But, it’s 8:40 and I need to publish this and talk to the fam over breakfast.  So here goes:

 

Wake wins because they will suck less this week. 

 

Alright fellas, I apologize in advance for the lameness that was this ‘sh@cK, but you get what you pay for.

 

 

~ Peace to the MotherShiP 2013 !